1 00:00:06,960 --> 00:00:09,600 What's the matter? 2 00:00:09,640 --> 00:00:12,160 I wasn't 100% sure you were coming back. 3 00:00:12,200 --> 00:00:14,360 You know, your flight landed 30 minutes ago. 4 00:00:14,400 --> 00:00:16,160 My luggage was on the wrong carousel. 5 00:00:16,200 --> 00:00:17,920 Why wouldn't I come back? 6 00:00:17,960 --> 00:00:19,800 I don't know. 7 00:00:19,840 --> 00:00:22,320 You're already on a plane, you have a passport. 8 00:00:22,360 --> 00:00:25,440 You thought I'd hijack the plane to get away from you? 9 00:00:25,480 --> 00:00:27,400 Did you miss me? 10 00:00:27,440 --> 00:00:29,560 I was angry at how much I missed you. 11 00:00:29,600 --> 00:00:31,000 I missed you, too. 12 00:00:31,040 --> 00:00:33,040 Just the last two days, though. 13 00:00:34,440 --> 00:00:36,120 Did you watch porn? 14 00:00:36,160 --> 00:00:37,520 Yeah, absolutely. 15 00:00:37,560 --> 00:00:39,400 But I would always take a pillow 16 00:00:39,440 --> 00:00:41,600 and make a little Sharon out of it 17 00:00:41,640 --> 00:00:44,080 that I would hug while I watched. 18 00:00:44,120 --> 00:00:47,240 Ha ha! I did the same, just without the pillow. 19 00:00:47,280 --> 00:00:50,000 It's actually really hard for me to masturbate at the moment 20 00:00:50,040 --> 00:00:52,440 because I've got to look over my belly to do it, 21 00:00:52,480 --> 00:00:55,080 and I know there's a baby in there, so it's kind of off-putting. 22 00:00:55,120 --> 00:00:57,160 It's like you wouldn't want to have a wank 23 00:00:57,200 --> 00:00:59,360 if there were kids playing in the background, you know? 24 00:00:59,400 --> 00:01:00,840 Yeah, yeah. 25 00:01:00,880 --> 00:01:04,240 That's kind of one of my things, not doing that. 26 00:01:04,280 --> 00:01:06,200 Did anyone try and convince you to stay? 27 00:01:06,240 --> 00:01:08,760 Yes. My friend Cory said, 28 00:01:08,800 --> 00:01:11,400 "I'll see you in six months when it doesn't work out." 29 00:01:11,440 --> 00:01:13,200 - Ugh. - I was-- 30 00:01:13,240 --> 00:01:15,680 I mean, that's given me more motivation to make this work 31 00:01:15,720 --> 00:01:17,680 than even the baby. 32 00:01:17,720 --> 00:01:20,800 Yeah. Did you sort things out with your mum? 33 00:01:20,840 --> 00:01:23,280 No. Not even close. 34 00:01:23,320 --> 00:01:26,360 I can't believe it's taken me 38 years 35 00:01:26,400 --> 00:01:29,040 to realize that my mother is a shit bubble. 36 00:01:32,040 --> 00:01:33,720 Did you get your best man sorted? 37 00:01:33,760 --> 00:01:34,920 No. 38 00:01:34,960 --> 00:01:36,240 Because I've got a maid of honor now, 39 00:01:36,280 --> 00:01:37,400 so you have to. 40 00:01:37,440 --> 00:01:38,640 Who's your maid of honor? Fran? 41 00:01:38,680 --> 00:01:41,040 What? No. Although she did offer. 42 00:01:41,080 --> 00:01:42,880 No, I got panicked one night, 43 00:01:42,920 --> 00:01:44,640 and I asked my friend Kate from uni. 44 00:01:44,680 --> 00:01:47,680 So she's going to come over for a week, 45 00:01:47,720 --> 00:01:49,640 hang out, you know, have some fun. 46 00:01:49,680 --> 00:01:51,960 Does she know that you're not fun any more? 47 00:01:52,000 --> 00:01:53,800 You're such a fucker. 48 00:01:55,400 --> 00:01:58,040 I could ask your brother to be my best man. 49 00:01:58,080 --> 00:01:59,880 What would you think of that? 50 00:01:59,920 --> 00:02:01,680 Well, yeah. You can ask him. 51 00:02:01,720 --> 00:02:04,240 I mean, you barely know him. 52 00:02:04,280 --> 00:02:06,440 Eh. I barely know you. 53 00:02:10,960 --> 00:02:12,400 It would be an honor. 54 00:02:12,440 --> 00:02:13,720 Thank you. 55 00:02:13,760 --> 00:02:15,200 I mean it. 56 00:02:15,240 --> 00:02:16,920 You're part of this family now. 57 00:02:16,960 --> 00:02:19,520 You've given my sister something to live for. 58 00:02:19,560 --> 00:02:21,240 - I'm not sure she-- - I love you, man. 59 00:02:21,280 --> 00:02:23,320 I love you too, man. 60 00:02:23,360 --> 00:02:25,320 You're my brother. 61 00:02:26,720 --> 00:02:29,920 Hey, Fergal, are you drunk? 62 00:02:29,960 --> 00:02:32,000 Since Wednesday. 63 00:02:32,040 --> 00:02:34,320 Jesus. What's in there? 64 00:02:34,360 --> 00:02:36,320 Bailey's, you pussy. 65 00:02:36,360 --> 00:02:37,920 Mallandra's gone. 66 00:02:37,960 --> 00:02:39,520 She-- Where? 67 00:02:39,560 --> 00:02:40,640 Mm. 68 00:02:40,680 --> 00:02:43,240 To Spain, with the kids. 69 00:02:43,280 --> 00:02:47,440 But when she gets back, she wants a divorce. 70 00:02:47,480 --> 00:02:50,480 She wants a fucking divorce! 71 00:02:50,520 --> 00:02:52,040 She's going to take my kids! 72 00:02:52,080 --> 00:02:53,680 She's not going to take your kids. 73 00:02:53,720 --> 00:02:54,720 Aah! 74 00:02:54,760 --> 00:02:55,720 And don't you have to agree 75 00:02:55,760 --> 00:02:57,200 to let somebody divorce you? 76 00:02:57,240 --> 00:02:58,680 Don't let her divorce you, and we'll fix it. 77 00:02:58,720 --> 00:03:01,160 I really fucked up this time. 78 00:03:01,200 --> 00:03:03,480 I mean, ha. I've got a problem. 79 00:03:03,520 --> 00:03:05,920 I'm a fucking monster! 80 00:03:05,960 --> 00:03:07,920 What did you do? 81 00:03:07,960 --> 00:03:10,240 Thank you. Thank you very much. 82 00:03:10,280 --> 00:03:12,480 Your wedding is the week before my court date, 83 00:03:12,520 --> 00:03:14,960 so it'll give me something to look forward to. 84 00:03:16,600 --> 00:03:18,480 D'you want a smoothie? 85 00:03:22,280 --> 00:03:24,040 Oh, there he is. 86 00:03:24,080 --> 00:03:26,680 Rob, this is Kate, my maid of honor. 87 00:03:26,720 --> 00:03:28,080 Kate, this is Rob, the future Mr. Sharon Morris. 88 00:03:28,120 --> 00:03:30,040 Great to meet you, Kate. 89 00:03:30,080 --> 00:03:32,320 Sharon, can I just talk to you? 90 00:03:32,360 --> 00:03:34,600 I'm so happy to finally meet you! 91 00:03:34,640 --> 00:03:36,680 It's great to meet you. 92 00:03:36,720 --> 00:03:38,160 You know, you've got a good one here. 93 00:03:38,200 --> 00:03:40,600 Even if you hadn't gotten her pregnant, 94 00:03:40,640 --> 00:03:42,280 she'd be a catch. 95 00:03:42,320 --> 00:03:44,840 You know, she got all the dick back home. 96 00:03:44,880 --> 00:03:46,640 Well, not all of it. 97 00:03:46,680 --> 00:03:50,080 We are going to have a legendary week. 98 00:03:51,920 --> 00:03:53,680 You know, this is my first time 99 00:03:53,720 --> 00:03:55,320 away from my kids in five years. 100 00:03:55,360 --> 00:03:59,520 I don't miss them, and I fucking love London! 101 00:03:59,560 --> 00:04:01,040 Ha ha ha ha! 102 00:04:01,080 --> 00:04:03,160 Can I just talk to you for a quick second? 103 00:04:03,200 --> 00:04:04,640 Yeah. 104 00:04:09,440 --> 00:04:11,400 She's always annoying for the first day or so. 105 00:04:11,440 --> 00:04:13,080 No, no, it's not that. 106 00:04:13,120 --> 00:04:15,440 I mean yes, she is very annoying, but it's Fergal. 107 00:04:15,480 --> 00:04:17,160 Is he not going to do it? 108 00:04:17,200 --> 00:04:18,840 No, he is going to do it, but did he tell you-- 109 00:04:18,880 --> 00:04:20,760 - Tell me what? - What he's done? 110 00:04:20,800 --> 00:04:23,000 - What did he do? - I don't know. 111 00:04:23,040 --> 00:04:24,720 What are you asking me? 112 00:04:24,760 --> 00:04:26,320 Well, do you know that Mallandra left him? 113 00:04:26,360 --> 00:04:28,560 Yeah. She does that, like, twice a year. 114 00:04:28,600 --> 00:04:29,840 Do you know why? 115 00:04:29,880 --> 00:04:31,600 Yes. Because he's a prick. 116 00:04:31,640 --> 00:04:32,840 No. I think it's worse than that. 117 00:04:32,880 --> 00:04:34,440 What are you talking about? 118 00:04:34,480 --> 00:04:37,280 I don't know, but there was something in his eyes 119 00:04:37,320 --> 00:04:39,520 that said "I've done something really bad." 120 00:04:39,560 --> 00:04:41,360 Something in his eyes? 121 00:04:41,400 --> 00:04:44,320 Look, I don't know, I think he may have hurt someone. 122 00:04:44,360 --> 00:04:47,360 I'm not saying he has a freezer full of kid-meat or anything-- 123 00:04:47,400 --> 00:04:49,800 Listen. I don't know if you're stressed or what, 124 00:04:49,840 --> 00:04:51,920 but you need to stop slandering my brother, 125 00:04:51,960 --> 00:04:54,080 and I need to stop ignoring my visitor. 126 00:04:54,120 --> 00:04:55,880 This is rude. Okay? 127 00:04:55,920 --> 00:04:57,680 We are both being very rude at the moment. 128 00:04:57,720 --> 00:05:00,880 Sorry. Do you have Sudocreme or something? 129 00:05:00,920 --> 00:05:03,720 It's just I got a Brazilian yesterday, 130 00:05:03,760 --> 00:05:06,400 and my pussy's on fire. 131 00:05:08,160 --> 00:05:09,920 I'll get you some. 132 00:05:13,520 --> 00:05:16,400 I'd like to introduce Rob Norris to you all. 133 00:05:16,440 --> 00:05:19,000 Rob helped establish Frye and Loeb in Boston. 134 00:05:19,040 --> 00:05:22,280 He's also coached brands wrestling with PR issues. 135 00:05:22,320 --> 00:05:25,640 I guess you could say he's a sort of a perception engineer. 136 00:05:25,680 --> 00:05:29,000 Rob, the floor is yours. 137 00:05:29,040 --> 00:05:30,440 Thank you, Harita. 138 00:05:30,480 --> 00:05:33,760 Well, the public are like toddlers. 139 00:05:33,800 --> 00:05:36,360 They like shiny things, like scandal, 140 00:05:36,400 --> 00:05:38,360 like astronauts maybe dying 141 00:05:38,400 --> 00:05:40,480 because they took Braeband's flagship drug. 142 00:05:40,520 --> 00:05:43,320 So we need to distract them with something even shinier. 143 00:05:43,360 --> 00:05:47,080 And what if-- what if that shiny thing 144 00:05:47,120 --> 00:05:49,160 could also be something truly good? 145 00:05:49,200 --> 00:05:51,360 I'm sure I don't need to tell you guys 146 00:05:51,400 --> 00:05:53,640 what animal kills the most people on earth every year. 147 00:05:55,960 --> 00:05:56,960 Sharks? 148 00:05:57,000 --> 00:05:58,760 No. It's not sharks. 149 00:05:58,800 --> 00:06:01,560 It's the mosquito because of malaria. 150 00:06:01,600 --> 00:06:04,000 And who's treated more cases of malaria in India 151 00:06:04,040 --> 00:06:06,040 than anyone else? 152 00:06:07,120 --> 00:06:09,280 It's not sharks. 153 00:06:09,320 --> 00:06:11,400 But it's not Braeband, either. 154 00:06:11,440 --> 00:06:14,000 It's the Dutch company Nyromax. 155 00:06:14,040 --> 00:06:15,720 Now, what if Braeband were able to-- 156 00:06:15,760 --> 00:06:17,720 Rob, I'm going to interrupt you for just a second here 157 00:06:17,760 --> 00:06:20,200 and say that your enthusiasm is really something. 158 00:06:20,240 --> 00:06:21,880 - Well, honestly-- - Thank you so much. 159 00:06:21,920 --> 00:06:24,600 Guys, this is what courage looks like: 160 00:06:24,640 --> 00:06:26,520 not some dusty old astronaut 161 00:06:26,560 --> 00:06:29,080 whose kids are basically committing libel. 162 00:06:31,720 --> 00:06:33,600 Do you think she'll be much longer? 163 00:06:33,640 --> 00:06:34,640 Why? Did you leave your lip liner in there? 164 00:06:34,680 --> 00:06:36,600 No. I do that in the cab. 165 00:06:36,640 --> 00:06:38,840 You look nice. Where are they taking you? 166 00:06:38,880 --> 00:06:40,920 Just for a steak. Montefiores. 167 00:06:40,960 --> 00:06:41,920 Nice. 168 00:06:41,960 --> 00:06:43,160 Where are you guys off to? 169 00:06:43,200 --> 00:06:44,880 Just going to go for a pizza, I think. 170 00:06:44,920 --> 00:06:47,400 Ready. We're going to take it easy, Daddy. 171 00:06:47,440 --> 00:06:50,920 Just a couple of glasses of wine, bit of dancing, 172 00:06:50,960 --> 00:06:52,240 half an E. 173 00:06:52,280 --> 00:06:53,920 I probably won't do any E. 174 00:06:53,960 --> 00:06:55,240 Neither will I. 175 00:06:55,280 --> 00:06:58,240 Well, call me if you-- 176 00:06:58,280 --> 00:06:59,680 Have a great night. 177 00:07:05,320 --> 00:07:07,400 What's up, cock-munchers? 178 00:07:07,440 --> 00:07:09,240 Pretty good. You know Chris? 179 00:07:09,280 --> 00:07:10,320 Hey, man. 180 00:07:15,560 --> 00:07:16,680 Get in. 181 00:07:16,720 --> 00:07:18,600 Wait. What are we not going for steak? 182 00:07:18,640 --> 00:07:19,600 Get in! 183 00:07:27,720 --> 00:07:30,200 Do you know what hospital you're having the baby at? 184 00:07:30,240 --> 00:07:31,760 Um, St Thomas'. 185 00:07:31,800 --> 00:07:33,240 My daughters were born there. 186 00:07:33,280 --> 00:07:34,800 - No way. - Yeah, it's great. 187 00:07:34,840 --> 00:07:37,320 My wife loved it. She had a water birth there. 188 00:07:37,360 --> 00:07:39,640 You should do that. It just swims right out. It's easy. 189 00:07:39,680 --> 00:07:41,880 Ha ha. Okay. I'll try that. 190 00:07:41,920 --> 00:07:43,840 You have beautiful eyes. 191 00:07:43,880 --> 00:07:46,120 Sorry? What the fuck? 192 00:07:48,160 --> 00:07:50,120 I think I want to get out of here now. 193 00:07:50,160 --> 00:07:51,480 Me too. 194 00:07:51,520 --> 00:07:53,640 See the guy I'm talking to? 195 00:07:56,080 --> 00:07:58,560 He wants to show me his boat. 196 00:07:58,600 --> 00:08:00,720 Imagine. 197 00:08:02,160 --> 00:08:05,560 So do you mind if I go with him? 198 00:08:06,640 --> 00:08:07,680 I'll be back in the morning. 199 00:08:07,720 --> 00:08:09,640 I'll bring pastries. 200 00:08:09,680 --> 00:08:12,560 I'm going to the loo now, okay? 201 00:08:12,600 --> 00:08:14,360 Because my baby is pushing down on my bladder, 202 00:08:14,400 --> 00:08:16,240 and then we're going to leave, okay? 203 00:08:16,280 --> 00:08:19,120 So say good night to the rapist, 204 00:08:19,160 --> 00:08:21,840 and I'll see you out the front in five, okay? 205 00:08:21,880 --> 00:08:23,280 Yeah, okay. 206 00:08:34,280 --> 00:08:36,440 Good shit, huh? 207 00:08:36,480 --> 00:08:38,800 You know, I want to like it. 208 00:08:38,840 --> 00:08:41,000 I mean it's naked women-- great-- 209 00:08:41,040 --> 00:08:43,000 and dancing, which I also love, 210 00:08:43,040 --> 00:08:45,160 so it's two great things together, 211 00:08:45,200 --> 00:08:47,320 but then you add a bunch of sweaty guys, 212 00:08:47,360 --> 00:08:50,600 and, you know, you leering at them, 213 00:08:50,640 --> 00:08:52,160 and it's just kind of a bummer. 214 00:08:52,200 --> 00:08:53,760 Yeah, sure. Put this in her thong. 215 00:08:55,760 --> 00:08:57,040 Lenore. 216 00:08:57,080 --> 00:08:58,680 Chris? 217 00:08:58,720 --> 00:09:00,280 Oh, my God! 218 00:09:00,320 --> 00:09:01,840 What are you doing here? 219 00:09:01,880 --> 00:09:03,960 Yelp said you do a good onion ring. 220 00:09:05,280 --> 00:09:07,240 You look fuckin' amazing. 221 00:09:07,280 --> 00:09:09,760 Yeah, well, you put on an ounce in this place, 222 00:09:09,800 --> 00:09:11,160 and they make you dance for the Chinese lads. 223 00:09:11,200 --> 00:09:12,760 Oh. Sure, sure. 224 00:09:12,800 --> 00:09:15,880 Fuck me. Chris Beesley. 225 00:09:15,920 --> 00:09:18,240 Going to get your dinky stinky? 226 00:09:18,280 --> 00:09:19,920 I don't know who that is. 227 00:09:19,960 --> 00:09:21,760 Listen, I'm on the clock, 228 00:09:21,800 --> 00:09:23,880 but do you want to buy a dance? 229 00:09:23,920 --> 00:09:25,400 We could catch up. 230 00:09:25,440 --> 00:09:26,680 Sure. 231 00:09:30,360 --> 00:09:32,200 - Hey-- - Shh. 232 00:09:32,240 --> 00:09:34,680 You're not allowed to talk while they're dancing. 233 00:09:34,720 --> 00:09:36,560 - I was just gonna-- - Shh. 234 00:09:41,160 --> 00:09:42,840 Girls. 235 00:09:42,880 --> 00:09:44,640 And do you have any kids? 236 00:09:44,680 --> 00:09:46,320 One boy. 237 00:09:46,360 --> 00:09:49,080 I've got a boy and a little girl. 238 00:09:49,120 --> 00:09:52,800 Two kids came out of that? Wow. 239 00:09:52,840 --> 00:09:54,360 Well, outdoors is all right, 240 00:09:54,400 --> 00:09:56,960 but my fanny looks like it stepped on a land mine. 241 00:09:59,200 --> 00:10:00,880 How long have you been with your wife? 242 00:10:00,920 --> 00:10:02,760 12 years. Her name's Fran. 243 00:10:02,800 --> 00:10:05,880 And does Fran not mind you coming to places like this? 244 00:10:05,920 --> 00:10:08,240 Not as long as I fuck her when I get back home. 245 00:10:09,800 --> 00:10:11,440 She doesn't know I'm here. 246 00:10:12,880 --> 00:10:14,440 Listen, there's rooms out the back 247 00:10:14,480 --> 00:10:15,960 that are a bit more private, 248 00:10:16,000 --> 00:10:19,120 if you want to, you know... talk more. 249 00:10:20,480 --> 00:10:22,720 I think I should get back to the lads. 250 00:10:25,120 --> 00:10:26,400 You sure? 251 00:10:27,600 --> 00:10:29,040 No. 252 00:10:31,440 --> 00:10:33,320 Ahem. 253 00:10:46,200 --> 00:10:48,200 Oh. I left my bag inside. 254 00:10:48,240 --> 00:10:50,160 I'll be one minute, two minutes. 255 00:10:50,200 --> 00:10:51,720 This bag? 256 00:10:51,760 --> 00:10:53,240 You left this bag inside? 257 00:10:53,280 --> 00:10:55,800 I want to see the boat. 258 00:10:55,840 --> 00:10:57,560 Look at me. Focus. 259 00:10:57,600 --> 00:10:59,080 There's no boat. 260 00:10:59,120 --> 00:11:01,680 There's a tiny flat with a filthy mattress 261 00:11:01,720 --> 00:11:04,040 and nose hair clippings in the sink. 262 00:11:04,080 --> 00:11:06,160 I want a filthy mattress. 263 00:11:06,200 --> 00:11:08,400 I want any mattress. 264 00:11:08,440 --> 00:11:11,240 I'm not happy. 265 00:11:11,280 --> 00:11:13,640 Oh, darling, 266 00:11:13,680 --> 00:11:15,240 I am so sorry to hear that, 267 00:11:15,280 --> 00:11:17,080 but you're going to be even less happy 268 00:11:17,120 --> 00:11:21,160 if you get all cut up and put in a bin bag, okay? 269 00:11:21,200 --> 00:11:23,760 So come on. Let's just go. 270 00:11:25,800 --> 00:11:27,080 - Whoa! - Oh, God! 271 00:11:27,120 --> 00:11:28,760 Oh, my God. 272 00:11:28,800 --> 00:11:31,000 Shit. Did you just bang your head? 273 00:11:31,040 --> 00:11:33,240 - Are you-- - I'm okay. I'm okay! 274 00:11:33,280 --> 00:11:36,080 Ugh. Ow. 275 00:11:38,840 --> 00:11:40,640 Oh, fuck. 276 00:11:40,680 --> 00:11:42,360 Just wait there. Don't move. 277 00:11:42,400 --> 00:11:43,920 Don't move. I'll get some help. 278 00:11:43,960 --> 00:11:45,400 Don't move. 279 00:11:45,440 --> 00:11:46,640 I need some help. 280 00:11:46,680 --> 00:11:49,640 Can you get a first aid kit or something? 281 00:11:49,680 --> 00:11:51,480 She's really banged her head. 282 00:11:51,520 --> 00:11:54,120 Hello? I need an ambulance. 283 00:11:54,160 --> 00:11:57,480 Where's the woman that was lying there? 284 00:11:57,520 --> 00:11:59,720 Where's the woman? Kate! 285 00:12:01,520 --> 00:12:04,440 Kate? 286 00:12:04,480 --> 00:12:05,720 Kate! 287 00:12:05,760 --> 00:12:07,040 I want to tell you what I did. 288 00:12:07,080 --> 00:12:08,440 In the States, 289 00:12:08,480 --> 00:12:10,320 you get a lot more bang for your buck 290 00:12:10,360 --> 00:12:13,120 because you can use your dollar dollar bills, yo! 291 00:12:13,160 --> 00:12:15,480 You've already given me, like, £300. 292 00:12:15,520 --> 00:12:16,640 Rob, Rob, I need to talk to you. 293 00:12:16,680 --> 00:12:18,240 Do you? Do you now? 294 00:12:18,280 --> 00:12:20,240 You can't really put a pound coin 295 00:12:20,280 --> 00:12:21,480 down a dancer's G-string. 296 00:12:21,520 --> 00:12:22,840 It's just going to fall out. 297 00:12:22,880 --> 00:12:24,560 I want to tell you what happened. 298 00:12:24,600 --> 00:12:25,760 What if you didn't? 299 00:12:25,800 --> 00:12:27,400 I found out that Mallandra-- 300 00:12:27,440 --> 00:12:29,240 I threw a pound coin on the stage once, 301 00:12:29,280 --> 00:12:32,640 but it bounced, and it chipped the dancer's tooth. 302 00:12:32,680 --> 00:12:36,280 Do you ever shut your fucking trap for five minutes? 303 00:12:36,320 --> 00:12:38,200 Shut up, huh? 304 00:12:38,240 --> 00:12:40,640 - Sorry. I-- - Shut the fuck up! 305 00:12:40,680 --> 00:12:41,920 Shut the fuck up! 306 00:12:41,960 --> 00:12:43,800 - Jesus! - Shut the fuck up! 307 00:12:43,840 --> 00:12:45,760 - No! No! - You never shut up! 308 00:12:47,760 --> 00:12:51,480 And I'll have the 32-ounce Kobe Tomahawk. 309 00:12:59,800 --> 00:13:01,080 Hey. 310 00:13:02,880 --> 00:13:05,760 We can't just roam London yelling her name. 311 00:13:05,800 --> 00:13:07,200 I mean, the fact is, 312 00:13:07,240 --> 00:13:09,520 statistically, she's going to wake up today, 313 00:13:09,560 --> 00:13:12,560 maybe with a concussion and probably with herpes, 314 00:13:12,600 --> 00:13:15,080 but she'll be alive, and we can send her 315 00:13:15,120 --> 00:13:17,280 directly back to Ireland on a bus. 316 00:13:17,320 --> 00:13:18,720 I don't understand. 317 00:13:18,760 --> 00:13:22,000 Her Facebook is all PTA and cake sale shit 318 00:13:22,040 --> 00:13:23,560 and Deepak Chopra quotes. 319 00:13:23,600 --> 00:13:24,880 Maybe she's getting back at you 320 00:13:24,920 --> 00:13:26,200 for all that dick. 321 00:13:26,240 --> 00:13:27,760 She's missing. 322 00:13:27,800 --> 00:13:29,840 She cracked her skull open. 323 00:13:29,880 --> 00:13:32,040 I don't know what to-- Should I call her husband? 324 00:13:32,080 --> 00:13:33,520 What are you going to say? 325 00:13:33,560 --> 00:13:36,640 Uh, hey, Rick. I know it's been six years, 326 00:13:36,680 --> 00:13:38,200 but wanted to let you know 327 00:13:38,240 --> 00:13:41,160 your wife is fucking a guy on a boat. 328 00:13:41,200 --> 00:13:43,040 - Or dead. - Or dead, 329 00:13:43,080 --> 00:13:45,040 but probably fucking a guy on a boat. 330 00:13:45,080 --> 00:13:48,880 Oh. She was supposed to help me get my dress today. 331 00:13:48,920 --> 00:13:50,640 I'm sorry, honey. 332 00:13:50,680 --> 00:13:52,560 Are you going straight to work? 333 00:13:52,600 --> 00:13:54,240 Yeah, unfortunately. 334 00:13:54,280 --> 00:13:57,000 Why? I thought it was getting better. 335 00:13:57,040 --> 00:13:59,000 Weren't you going to be a spy for God? 336 00:13:59,040 --> 00:14:00,760 I don't want to burden you with it now, 337 00:14:00,800 --> 00:14:03,120 but my prevailing sense is 338 00:14:03,160 --> 00:14:05,840 that it's bad people doing bad things 339 00:14:05,880 --> 00:14:07,160 and I'm helping them. 340 00:14:07,200 --> 00:14:09,040 It doesn't have to be forever. 341 00:14:09,080 --> 00:14:11,760 You know, just the next 18 years or so. 342 00:14:11,800 --> 00:14:12,880 Right. 343 00:14:12,920 --> 00:14:14,400 Better now? 344 00:14:25,960 --> 00:14:27,640 Two minutes late. 345 00:14:41,640 --> 00:14:43,480 Special delivery. 346 00:14:43,520 --> 00:14:46,680 Oh, God, don't say special delivery. 347 00:14:49,840 --> 00:14:51,120 Hi. 348 00:14:51,160 --> 00:14:52,800 Oh, my God, what is she wearing? 349 00:14:52,840 --> 00:14:54,120 I don't want to hear it. 350 00:14:55,920 --> 00:14:57,200 Hi. 351 00:14:57,240 --> 00:14:59,280 You look beautiful. 352 00:14:59,320 --> 00:15:00,800 No, I don't. I look like a couch. 353 00:15:00,840 --> 00:15:02,720 A beautiful couch. 354 00:15:02,760 --> 00:15:04,360 I'm going to take the hat off. 355 00:15:04,400 --> 00:15:06,920 Fran really pushed the hat. I don't like the hat. 356 00:15:06,960 --> 00:15:08,640 Well, I don't think you need it 357 00:15:08,680 --> 00:15:14,400 because I would like to look at this unencumbered. 358 00:15:14,440 --> 00:15:16,440 - Do you want to go in there? - Yeah. 359 00:15:18,640 --> 00:15:20,720 - It's good to see you. - Yeah. All right. 360 00:15:22,320 --> 00:15:25,240 Hey. Are you okay? 361 00:15:25,280 --> 00:15:27,280 Yes. 362 00:15:27,320 --> 00:15:28,960 Good. 363 00:15:30,560 --> 00:15:32,880 Okay, I took it off because-- 364 00:15:32,920 --> 00:15:34,280 Kate, singsong: Sorry I'm late. 365 00:15:34,320 --> 00:15:37,640 Oh. You look lovely. 366 00:15:37,680 --> 00:15:38,760 Where the fuck have you been? 367 00:15:38,800 --> 00:15:41,080 I thought you were dead or murdered. 368 00:15:41,120 --> 00:15:42,440 I nearly canceled the wedding. 369 00:15:42,480 --> 00:15:44,000 I know. Sorry. 370 00:15:44,040 --> 00:15:45,760 I ended up in Brighton. 371 00:15:47,640 --> 00:15:49,040 I should've called, 372 00:15:49,080 --> 00:15:50,920 but I knew you'd just make me come back. 373 00:15:50,960 --> 00:15:54,280 You know your husband's called Sharon maybe 40 times? 374 00:15:54,320 --> 00:15:56,360 It's fine. I spoke to him on the way here. 375 00:15:56,400 --> 00:15:57,680 He knows I got a head wound. 376 00:15:57,720 --> 00:15:59,480 Oh, Christ. 377 00:15:59,520 --> 00:16:00,960 Jesus. 378 00:16:01,000 --> 00:16:02,240 Oh, you need to go home. 379 00:16:02,280 --> 00:16:04,440 But I'm your maid of honor. 380 00:16:04,480 --> 00:16:05,920 Why don't you two go on in? 381 00:16:05,960 --> 00:16:08,680 I'll take over here. It's okay. 382 00:16:13,600 --> 00:16:15,800 I understand the groom would like to say something. 383 00:16:15,840 --> 00:16:17,080 Yeah. 384 00:16:22,760 --> 00:16:25,040 I never thought it would happen this way. 385 00:16:25,080 --> 00:16:27,240 I mean, I wouldn't have ordered this 386 00:16:27,280 --> 00:16:29,080 if it were on the menu. 387 00:16:29,120 --> 00:16:31,080 But there was no menu. 388 00:16:31,120 --> 00:16:32,640 It was like one of those restaurants 389 00:16:32,680 --> 00:16:35,320 where the chef just decides what you're going to eat 390 00:16:35,360 --> 00:16:37,600 and it's scary because what if you get, like, 391 00:16:37,640 --> 00:16:40,800 a pheasant filled with capers? 392 00:16:40,840 --> 00:16:44,560 But then he brings you something unbelievably delicious, 393 00:16:44,600 --> 00:16:47,600 and you realize he knows better than you could ever know, 394 00:16:47,640 --> 00:16:50,880 and you never want to go to any other restaurant ever again. 395 00:16:53,440 --> 00:16:55,440 Fuck menus. 396 00:16:57,920 --> 00:16:59,560 Do you have something you'd like to add? 397 00:16:59,600 --> 00:17:01,600 Um, amen. 398 00:17:01,640 --> 00:17:04,400 I call upon these persons here present-- 399 00:17:04,440 --> 00:17:06,920 Actually, I would like to say something, 400 00:17:06,960 --> 00:17:09,520 as maid of honor, just now. Is it-- 401 00:17:09,560 --> 00:17:10,520 Sure. 402 00:17:10,560 --> 00:17:12,120 It's actually a short song, 403 00:17:12,160 --> 00:17:15,040 but I think it's very fitting. Ahem. 404 00:17:16,400 --> 00:17:20,120 ♪ When my bonny love 405 00:17:20,160 --> 00:17:22,840 ♪ Did falter 406 00:17:22,880 --> 00:17:26,720 ♪ As the river laps the bank 407 00:17:26,760 --> 00:17:31,440 ♪ His furtive tongue did loosen ♪ 408 00:17:31,480 --> 00:17:36,800 ♪ For my love has just become ♪ 409 00:17:36,840 --> 00:17:42,280 ♪ His eye did gaze upon a place ♪ 410 00:17:42,320 --> 00:17:47,160 ♪ A love safe fine yet clear ♪ 411 00:17:47,200 --> 00:17:49,680 ♪ I see your wheel 412 00:17:49,720 --> 00:17:52,160 ♪ Turn fit, my dear 413 00:17:52,200 --> 00:17:57,240 ♪ And it pleasures me somewhere ♪ 414 00:17:57,280 --> 00:18:03,720 ♪ The highs and lows where'er we go ♪ 415 00:18:03,760 --> 00:18:05,240 ♪ Shall-- 416 00:18:05,280 --> 00:18:07,440 Sorry, just a second. 417 00:18:21,640 --> 00:18:25,040 Edwyn Collins: ♪ Don't shilly-shally 418 00:18:25,080 --> 00:18:27,960 ♪ Don't shilly-shally 419 00:18:28,000 --> 00:18:31,920 ♪ You got it up with the blues, goodbye-aye-aye ♪ 420 00:18:31,960 --> 00:18:34,520 Aw. 421 00:18:34,560 --> 00:18:38,360 ♪ So like a record on again now ♪ 422 00:18:38,400 --> 00:18:42,160 ♪ I turned the volume up to 10 now ♪ 423 00:18:42,200 --> 00:18:45,800 ♪ Let's ride this train whatever ♪ 424 00:18:45,840 --> 00:18:52,120 ♪ Let's ride this train together ♪ 425 00:18:52,160 --> 00:18:55,520 Remember this place? 426 00:18:55,560 --> 00:18:57,720 Yeah. 427 00:18:57,760 --> 00:18:59,960 It's not as nice as I remember it, though. 428 00:19:00,000 --> 00:19:01,880 It's a different room. 429 00:19:01,920 --> 00:19:04,520 I tried to get our room, but they'd had to seal it off 430 00:19:04,560 --> 00:19:06,080 because they couldn't get our sex funk out. 431 00:19:09,480 --> 00:19:12,040 We should probably have some sex now, don't you think? 432 00:19:14,080 --> 00:19:16,160 I-- 433 00:19:16,200 --> 00:19:18,720 This is pushing down on my fart maker, 434 00:19:18,760 --> 00:19:21,920 so I'm not sure it's a good idea. 435 00:19:21,960 --> 00:19:23,080 Okay. 436 00:19:23,120 --> 00:19:24,400 Hey, how are your feet? 437 00:19:24,440 --> 00:19:26,000 Those shoes look painful. 438 00:19:26,040 --> 00:19:27,360 They're killing me. 439 00:19:27,400 --> 00:19:29,520 Let me rub them a little bit. 440 00:19:29,560 --> 00:19:32,160 Mm, thank you. 441 00:19:32,200 --> 00:19:35,880 Oh, hey, Fergal was great today, by the way. 442 00:19:35,920 --> 00:19:39,160 I guess whatever he was going on about wasn't that bad. 443 00:19:39,200 --> 00:19:41,640 Oh, no, it was that bad. I forgot to tell you. 444 00:19:41,680 --> 00:19:44,120 This guy from Mallandra's work texted her 445 00:19:44,160 --> 00:19:46,360 that she looked sexy in her new dress, 446 00:19:46,400 --> 00:19:48,520 so Fergal went round to his house and attacked him, 447 00:19:48,560 --> 00:19:50,280 then he tried to put him in the dress. 448 00:19:50,320 --> 00:19:52,280 Dislocated the guy's shoulder. 449 00:19:52,320 --> 00:19:54,960 But he's decided to drop charges now, so they're all okay. 450 00:19:56,600 --> 00:19:58,360 Oh. Oh, good. 451 00:19:58,400 --> 00:20:00,480 I mean, that's terrifying. 452 00:20:03,880 --> 00:20:05,520 Wow. 453 00:20:05,560 --> 00:20:06,920 What? 454 00:20:06,960 --> 00:20:08,920 Your toenails are mighty long. 455 00:20:08,960 --> 00:20:10,640 Oh, no. I'm sorry. 456 00:20:10,680 --> 00:20:12,640 Every time I try to bend over to clip them, 457 00:20:12,680 --> 00:20:14,240 I feel like I'm going to puke and-- 458 00:20:14,280 --> 00:20:15,920 It's okay. I'll clip them for you. 459 00:20:15,960 --> 00:20:19,800 What? No, I'll get a pedicure tomorrow or-- 460 00:20:19,840 --> 00:20:21,240 That's ridiculous. 461 00:20:21,280 --> 00:20:22,680 You're my wife, you're pregnant, 462 00:20:22,720 --> 00:20:24,480 your toenails are a hate crime, 463 00:20:24,520 --> 00:20:26,680 so instead of having sex on our wedding night, 464 00:20:26,720 --> 00:20:28,240 I'm going to cut your toenails. 465 00:20:34,160 --> 00:20:35,080 Hey. 466 00:20:49,080 --> 00:20:50,440 Can I change my mind? 467 00:20:50,480 --> 00:20:52,520 About what? 468 00:20:52,560 --> 00:20:54,720 I think we should have some sex. 469 00:20:57,680 --> 00:20:58,800 What? 470 00:21:00,080 --> 00:21:01,280 What? 471 00:21:01,320 --> 00:21:03,800 Well, you just hesitated. 472 00:21:03,840 --> 00:21:07,000 No, it's just I have a handful of your toenails, 473 00:21:07,040 --> 00:21:08,520 so it's not exactly foreplay. 474 00:21:08,560 --> 00:21:10,600 It was your idea. I mean, 475 00:21:10,640 --> 00:21:13,120 if clipping my toenails is going to turn you off, 476 00:21:13,160 --> 00:21:14,680 don't clip my toenails. 477 00:21:14,720 --> 00:21:16,200 Well, I wanted to help you. 478 00:21:16,240 --> 00:21:17,880 I mean, they were claw-like. 479 00:21:17,920 --> 00:21:19,080 They're not claw-like. 480 00:21:19,120 --> 00:21:20,360 They're claw-like and gnarly. 481 00:21:20,400 --> 00:21:22,320 You know what? Just forget it. 482 00:21:22,360 --> 00:21:23,760 No, don't. Listen, 483 00:21:23,800 --> 00:21:25,760 I'm not saying I don't want to. 484 00:21:25,800 --> 00:21:27,080 Jesus, I hesitated 485 00:21:27,120 --> 00:21:29,480 because I looked at the contents of my hand, 486 00:21:29,520 --> 00:21:30,920 and then it took a second 487 00:21:30,960 --> 00:21:34,040 for me to divert the blood from my brain to my dick. 488 00:21:34,080 --> 00:21:35,800 Now you're making me feel shit. 489 00:21:35,840 --> 00:21:39,080 Great, like I don't feel shit enough. 490 00:21:40,160 --> 00:21:41,920 Why are you doing that? 491 00:21:41,960 --> 00:21:44,760 Because you hurt my feelings. 492 00:21:44,800 --> 00:21:46,640 I don't really want to look at your face right now. 493 00:21:46,680 --> 00:21:48,960 I don't want look at yours, either, 494 00:21:49,000 --> 00:21:51,400 because you've twisted it from its normal beautiful state 495 00:21:51,440 --> 00:21:55,400 into a frowny little sourpuss like you do every day. 496 00:21:55,440 --> 00:21:57,200 Like I do every day? 497 00:21:57,240 --> 00:21:59,400 What, every day of my cursed pregnancy 498 00:21:59,440 --> 00:22:01,800 where I've got to go to the doctor three times a week 499 00:22:01,840 --> 00:22:03,480 because I'm 41 and every possible thing 500 00:22:03,520 --> 00:22:05,160 that could have gone wrong has gone wrong? 501 00:22:05,200 --> 00:22:08,200 I know. I've been there every step of the way, 502 00:22:08,240 --> 00:22:10,480 and it hasn't been a blast for me, either. 503 00:22:10,520 --> 00:22:13,440 Oh, well, why don't you go and fuck another drunk woman 504 00:22:13,480 --> 00:22:16,320 and see if she'll have a nicer, less complicated pregnancy for you? 505 00:22:16,360 --> 00:22:17,880 You know, I would, 506 00:22:17,920 --> 00:22:21,280 but I've already hitched my wagon to this horse. 507 00:22:21,320 --> 00:22:22,720 Horse? 508 00:22:22,760 --> 00:22:24,520 Horse, I don't know, donkey, 509 00:22:24,560 --> 00:22:26,000 whatever you hitch a wagon to. 510 00:22:26,040 --> 00:22:27,200 A beast of burden. 511 00:22:27,240 --> 00:22:28,360 Get out. 512 00:22:28,400 --> 00:22:30,880 You fucking get out. You have a house. 513 00:22:30,920 --> 00:22:32,400 I'll stay here in this hotel 514 00:22:32,440 --> 00:22:34,560 that I never should have left in the first place. 515 00:22:34,600 --> 00:22:37,000 Okay. 516 00:22:38,440 --> 00:22:40,320 Bullshit. 517 00:22:40,360 --> 00:22:42,880 Never should have left. What's that supposed to mean? 518 00:22:42,920 --> 00:22:44,720 Wait, are you really going? 519 00:22:44,760 --> 00:22:47,560 Are you really leaving on our wedding night? 520 00:22:47,600 --> 00:22:48,960 Are you shitting me? 521 00:22:49,000 --> 00:22:51,720 This isn't a fucking soap opera. 522 00:22:51,760 --> 00:22:55,480 All I have ever done is try and do the right thing. 523 00:22:55,520 --> 00:22:57,240 The right thing? 524 00:22:57,280 --> 00:22:59,480 That's what this is? 525 00:22:59,520 --> 00:23:01,440 That's what you're doing? The right thing? 526 00:23:01,480 --> 00:23:03,800 You fucking duty-bound Boy Scout. 527 00:23:03,840 --> 00:23:05,880 - I didn't mean-- - I don't want to be the right thing. 528 00:23:05,920 --> 00:23:09,520 I want to be a choice. That's why I fucking hate this. 529 00:23:09,560 --> 00:23:11,040 You are without a doubt 530 00:23:11,080 --> 00:23:13,640 the most hard-to-please person I have ever met. 531 00:23:13,680 --> 00:23:15,720 If I showed you a rainbow, 532 00:23:15,760 --> 00:23:18,240 you'd be like, "Oh, there's too many colors. 533 00:23:18,280 --> 00:23:20,320 "There's too many colors on one thing. 534 00:23:20,360 --> 00:23:25,160 Yeah, well, at least I don't sell drugs that kill astronauts. 535 00:23:25,200 --> 00:23:27,960 I just started there, 536 00:23:28,000 --> 00:23:29,840 and they don't kill people anymore. 537 00:23:29,880 --> 00:23:32,720 Oh, and you believe that, you gullible American prick? 538 00:23:32,760 --> 00:23:34,360 I only took that job because of you, 539 00:23:34,400 --> 00:23:36,240 you fucking ingrate shrew! 540 00:23:44,280 --> 00:23:46,720 Fucking Christ! 541 00:23:46,760 --> 00:23:49,440 Why the fuck did I-- 542 00:23:52,120 --> 00:23:54,480 - I'm so sorry. - My waters broke. 543 00:23:54,520 --> 00:23:56,080 My waters broke, and it's too early. 544 00:23:56,120 --> 00:23:57,080 What?